Have You Ever Seen

With a very  seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and  slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. 

  He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

  She then asked "Have  you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

  "No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

   She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

  He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

  "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" 

   "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: 

  "Go look in the garage."

Words of wisdom
 

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time”; was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a mini vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Perceptions

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

Only in  America

Only in  America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in  America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in  America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in  America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in  America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in  America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I like this one!!! If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport, the terminal?

My Car Keys

      They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.

As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

      Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

      "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!" 

Welcome to the golden years...

RETIRED HUSBAND
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris:
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
1.   June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
 
2.  July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3.  July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
 
4.  July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
Caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turnresulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time  and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
 
5.  August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
6.  August 14:  Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7.  August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
Bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
8.  August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'  EMTs were called.
 
9.  September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10.  September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11.  October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
 
12.  October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
 
13.  October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
 
14.  October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;  'OH NO!  IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
 
15.  Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
 
And last, but not least:
 
16.  October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'  One  of the clerks passed out.

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New Diet

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,

"If you catch me, you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, you are mine."

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Growing up is a weird notion

to wrap your mind around.

As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift. To wit …

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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